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The Tool Conspiracy

In High School, my friends and I would ditch class, sit in a park near the school smoking cigarettes and debating about music. While most of my arguments seemed logical at the time, I look back now and kinda want to kick my own ass. Not only was I being a total fan boy most of the time, but the artists that I was arguing for were actually kind of shitty.

However, one argument persisted throughout High School, and actually for many years after. The argument always asked the same question. Which band was better; Tool or Korn? Of course, being angry at the world (and my Dad), I chose Korn. And honestly, I still prefer Korn over Tool, even in spite of that ridiculous turd of an album that they just released. Now, don’t read that last sentence and get all judgmental and say “fuck this guy”. Read on and you’ll understand. Really, I promise

The parameters of the argument included nearly every aspect that a band could be judged by. Musicianship, cultural impact, record sales, touring……etc. etc. The list could go on for days.

Here we are nearly 15 years after the initial argument between the two bands, and things haven’t really changed. Until now. While stewing over one of our arguments a few months back, I discovered why Korn was clearly better than Tool and more importantly, I happened upon the main reason for my uneasiness regarding Maynard & company:

Those motherfuckers are Martians and I’m pretty sure they’re just trying to get home.

Ok. So I’ll bet that right now you’re thinking that I’ve clearly lost my shit, but really, hear me out.

Let’s begin by examining the visual evidence. Now, if you’re familiar with Tool’s body of work, you’ll know that the band relies heavily on the visual aesthetic for nearly every aspect of their work. Album art, music videos, photoshoots and even live shows are often so visually stimulating that the band members themselves get lost in the overall presentation. See to us humans, it’s just a really cool and visually stimulating experience, but to those alien bastards, it’s just normal. But videos and concerts that make tripping acid seem tame wasn’t always the M.O. for these guys….er, martians.

See, when Tool’s spaceship got lost, and they crash landed near Los Angeles (go figure) in the late 1980’s they were completely overwhelmed. No one from their race had ever been to earth before. They had no goddamn clue on what to do or how to survive. So they assumed human form and did what seemed to be natural in L.A.They created an insanely pretentious rock band.

Visually, they looked like most other bands. They did a great job fitting in for the first few years. In fact, if they would’ve just kept this up and not gotten all fucking weird, we would’ve been none the wiser. Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture of Maynard in 1992:

I mean, dude just looks like a dork. After looking at this picture, I doubt that anyone ever suspected that he was an alien from a far away galaxy. They probably just thought that he was a singer in a rock band with a terrible haircut. (Seriously Maynard, did you let Stevie Wonder be your stylist?)

However, as the years went on, Maynard and the rest of the band began to transform. M.J.K. began to let his guard down and display some of his alien characteristics. Some of it subtle, some not so much.

Now at the time (late 90’s early 2000’s) I just kinda figured that Maynard needed to lay off the shrooms. I’m sure that’s what everyone thought…..

It wasn’t until I consulted filmmaker and foremost alien expert Ridley Scott’s most recent film Promethus that I made an extraterrestrial connection. Look at this screenshot:

Oh hell no. See the connection here???? Maynard was mildly unveiling his true colors some ten years prior to the release of Promethus! When showing us human beings that he was indeed from another planet didn’t work to get him home, he added a sexy boob suit to the mix to try and seduce the master race to come pick him up from our shitty planet! And that didn’t work either. Poor guy….er, martian.

I realize that some of you may still be questioning this theory, although if Ridley goddamn Scott’s alien expertise isn’t enough, I’m not sure what will be. However, for the sake of argument, let’s also look at Tool’s music.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I may have a touch of bias when it comes to Tool’s music (afterall, I am a Korn fan), but consider this. In over 20 years of recording music together, Tool has managed to make just 5 albums, one of which was an EP, so that really doesn’t count. I’m sure plenty of you will argue that Tool’s albums and lyrics are so dense and full of layers that it takes time to create such an album. And I would agree with you if it weren’t for the fact that they have released the SAME ALBUM OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!

Think about it. Each album this band releases only contains a handful of actual “songs”. Every single album contains filler tracks consisting of chanting, backwards masked stuff, sparse noise etc. etc. Don’t believe me? Go listen to: “Useful Idiot”, “Message to Harry Manbeck”, “Intermission”, “Die Eier Von Satan”, “Cesaro Summability” and “(-) Ions”. That’s 6 songs just from AEnima alone!

This trend has continued on every single album the band has released since then. I’ve always wondered why a band with the kind musical talent that Tool has, would release nearly half of their album as just filler. Then it hit me. These aren’t songs. These are fucking transmissions! They are trying to find the right noise or frequency or airwaves to get in touch with the mothership. Seriously, listen to this:

I mean, if that’s not enough to make you lose your shit, I don’t know what will! Not only are those little bastards martians, but they’re mocking us and making us buy it!

Look, you may not want to believe what I’m telling you here. I know it’s a lot to swallow.  I know that the idea that one of the most revered rock bands of the last 20 years just happen to be martians sounds a little far fetched, but all of the above information should prove as at least a starting point for discussion. I mean, what else do you need to believe??? In the song “Jimmy” Maynard sings “You are the voice that’s been calling me back home”. On the track “The Grudge” Maynard sings about Saturn coming back around. I fear that if these “transmissions” of theirs end up working out, Saturn really will come back around. And fuck that. Saturn and it’s goddamn rings need to stay far away from here.

So what’s the answer??? I’m afraid that I really don’t know what the final outcome of all of this will be. I’m afraid that now that I’ve outed these guys, I’m gonna be on an extraterrestrial shit list, but I’m O.K. with that. Someone’s gotta stand up for whats right.

I’ll keep listening to the 5 original “songs” that Tool releases every 6 years. I’ll probably even enjoy most of them (Jambi was the shit) in spite of the fact that they were written by little space monkey bastards that are likely trying to jump ship off planet earth. Yeah, I’ll dig that, but in the end,  I’ll stick to my angry white boy metal like Korn. At least I know where they came from.

About the author:
Has 290 Articles

I am absolutely and unabashedly in love with music. If I could eat a huge bowl of songs for breakfast every morning, I totally would. I'm obsessive about categorization (don't mess with my chronological or alphabetical) and can't stand an unorganized iTunes library. Outside of music and writing, I love baseball (go Rockies), coffee, corgi's and going on fun trips with my girlfriend!

  1. skatercat

    holy crap… dont know if the theory is true but there is a reaccuring number in my ife that shows up as “13” usually and i have already listened to faaip de oiad before (and know the meaning behind it) and i skipped ahead to “1:03” (13 witha zero in the middle) and no sooner does a gust of wind come by and move a chair across the freaking deck. scared the piss out of me


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