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GutterBubbles Guide to the Grammys 2015

It’s time again to celebrate “music’s biggest night” aka “what the fuck were we thinking?” Year after year I try to give the Grammys the benefit of the doubt, but every single year they find some way to bum me out. That being said, I’m ever the optimist so here’s hoping the academy follows along with this guide and all will be right in Grammyland. Or at least palatable. Like the last few years, I’m predicting the winners for the 10 biggest awards and giving my reasoning behind my picks. I’ll update tomorrow with the results and my reactions. Our predicted winners are highlighted in bold, so play along and see how you fare.

Record of the Year

 

  • “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX
  • “Chandelier” by Sia
  • “Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)” by Sam Smith (WINNER)
  • “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift
  • “All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor

GutterBubbles take: I wonder, how does the Grammy board come up with these nominations? Is it by record sales? Is it streaming figures? Back-alley blowjobs? Really, I just don’t get it. I can’t sit here and say that I hate any of these songs explicitly, because I don’t. “Chandelier” was one of our Top 100 Songs of 2014 and that Taylor Swift song gets stuck in my head all the time, so I’m down with it, but the others? The Tom Petty song was great 15 years ago, “Fancy” is really just there to sell you a phone and “All About That Bass” is essentially pre-teen YouTube fodder. OK, I changed my mind. I fucking hate that song.

 

Album of the Year

 

  • Morning Phase by Beck (WINNER)
  • Beyonce by Beyonce
  • X by Ed Sheeran
  • In the Lonely Hour by Sam Smith
  • Girl by Pharrell Williams

GutterBubbles Take: There are some things you can count on without fail. The sun will rise tomorrow, water will always be wet and the Grammys will have a massive hard on for anything Pharrell touches. Ed Sheeran continues to confound me, I can’t say I dislike his songs, but how they are so popular is a mystery to me. They come across like the soundtrack for late-night grocery shopping or making a deposit at the bank. Maybe now that he’s gotten his third big nomination, he can stop showing up at events looking like Shane MacGowan’s homeless cousin. As much as I’d like to see Beck win this, it’s not gonna happen. I’ll bet that Beyonce wins for Album of the Year because well, it was a pretty fantastic record.

 

Song of the Year

 

  • “All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor
  • “Chandelier” by Sia
  • “Shake It Off” By Taylor Swift
  • “Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)” by Sam Smith (WINNER)
  • “Take Me To Church” by Hozier

GutterBubbles Take: Wait a second, didn’t we already cover this? According to the Grammy website, Record of the Year considers the artists performance, production, engineers, mixers blah blah blah, while Song of the Year is solely voted on based on the songwriting. The fact that only one of the songs is different between the two categories should be really alarming to fans and musicians alike. Pretty much, The Voting Academy wants you to believe that, in essence, there were seven songs that came out this past year that were worth a shit. Let that sink in for a minute. All things aside though, Taylor Swift should win this award, cause that song is the jam.

 

Best New Artist

 

  • Iggy Azalea
  • Bastille
  • Brandy Clark
  • Haim
  • Sam Smith (WINNER)

GutterBubbles Take: Again, I’ve got to wonder about the requirements for this field. Reading through the eligibility of the category indeed shows that all of these artists meet the guidelines, but some of ’em seem a little far fetched. Brandy Clark has been writing songs for major artists since 2005 and Bastille’s (amazing) debut album came out in March 2013. Nearly two years ago. So yeah, new artist moves slow apparently. I really don’t have a strong feeling for who’s gonna win this. I’ll say Sam Smith, cause he’s gotta win something, right?

 

Best Rock Performance

 

  • “Gimme Something Good” by Ryan Adams
  • “Do I Wanna Know?” by the Arctic Monkeys
  • “Blue Moon” by Beck
  • “Fever” by The Black Keys
  • “Lazaretto” by Jack White (WINNER)

GutterBubbles Take: Alright, finally a category that features nominations that aren’t a complete abomination. Sure, all of these picks are pretty safe, but each of ’em are solid in their own right. No matter who wins this award it won’t be a bad thing, but if it were up to me, the Arctic Monkeys should win. In fact, that song was so fucking good the Grammys should just give them this award and then forcefully take the award that they’ll undoubtedly award to Meghan Trainor or U2 and give it to the Arctic Monkeys as well. Consequences should come along with releasing shitty music.

 

Best Metal Performance

 

  • “Neon Knights” by Anthrax
  • “High Road” by Mastodon
  • “Heartbreaker” by Motorhead
  • “The Negative One” by Slipknot
  • “The Last In Line” by Tenacious D (WINNER)

GutterBubbles Take: OK. Let’s make one thing clear. This category sucks. This category has always sucked. The Academy is so far out of touch with what metal actually is and every year, there are awful nominations. This year is no exception, with both the Anthrax and Tenacious D (metal band??) songs being cover songs from a Dio tribute album. So yeah, these guys got nominated for a Grammy for songs THEY DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WRITE!! Because the Grammys suck, I’m betting one of those will win. It should go to Slipknot, but Mastodon’s rad video for “High Road” would make a win for them alright.

 

Best Rock Album

 

  • Ryan Adams by Ryan Adams
  • Morning Phase by Beck (WINNER)
  • Turn Blue by The Black Keys
  • Hypnotic Eye by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
  • Songs of Innocence by U2

GutterBubbles Take: At this point, does U2 really require any further accolade for their career? To be nominated for the album that more people spent time getting rid of over actually listening to seems a bit silly. That’s not to say it wasn’t an alright record, but it was pretty much the equivalent of audible rape so you know, that should never be applauded. The rest of the albums are alright, but Beck should probably win this to make up for him losing the Album of the Year.

 

Best Alternative Music Album

 

  • This Is All Yours by Alt-J
  • Reflektor by Arcade Fire
  • Melophobia by Cage the Elephant
  • St. Vincent by St. Vincent (WINNER)
  • Lazaretto by Jack White

GutterBubbles Take: The only way this can go wrong is if Cage the Elephant wins the award. The Grammys are known to do stupid shit, so it’s not outside the scope of reason for that to happen. If they wanted to retain any sort of dignity, they would make sure St. Vincent wins the award, cause her record was far and away the best of the bunch.

 

Best Rap Album

 

  • The New Classic by Iggy Azalea
  • Because the Internet by Childish Gambino
  • Nobody’s Smiling by Common
  • The Marshall Mathers LP2 by Eminem (WINNER)
  • Oxymoron by Schoolboy Q
  • Blacc Hollywood by Wiz Khalifa

GutterBubbles Take: First off, why does this category have six nominations? The academy really…really wants Iggy to win something, but it certainly isn’t gonna happen here, the competition is just too steep. Really, any of these albums are decent enough to take home the award but it should go to Eminem. Hell, he won the award with “Rap God” alone, which should just win Best Rap Album for the next few years until an MC can do better. I don’t know why rappers/anyone even fucks with Eminem. That dude will own you.

 

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance

 

  • “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX
  • “A Sky Full of Stars” by Coldplay
  • “Say Something” by A Great Big World w/ Christina Aguilera (WINNER)
  • “Bang Bang” by Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj
  • “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry feat. Juicy J

GutterBubbles Take: Every song in this category makes me want to buy a palate of rubber cement and huff on jar after jar until my eye goes lazy and I can’t remember my name. And I love pop music, but this whole MC + Pop Singer = #1 Song shit is just so tired. “Say Something” is alright, but it’s an awards show, there’s no room for sad bastard music here. That Coldplay track is some goofy shit, even by their standards, so I guess that leaves the steamy turd fest that is “Fancy” as the only conceivable winner here. Gross.

About the author:
Has 290 Articles

I am absolutely and unabashedly in love with music. If I could eat a huge bowl of songs for breakfast every morning, I totally would. I'm obsessive about categorization (don't mess with my chronological or alphabetical) and can't stand an unorganized iTunes library. Outside of music and writing, I love baseball (go Rockies), coffee, corgi's and going on fun trips with my girlfriend!

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