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5 Reasons Prince is Better Than You

Late last week, Prince announced that he would be touring across the West Coast, playing shows in intimate and small theaters instead of his usual arena venues. To celebrate the news of the Purple One’s new set of shows, we’ve compiled a list of 5 reasons why Prince is ultimately cooler than you will ever be.

1. He makes more money in minutes than you do in an entire year:

When Prince announced his tour last week, I was pumped. As jazzed as I was about this news, it didn’t really mean shit to me cause I’m in Denver. Then, just a few days back, it was announced that Prince would be taking up residency at Denver’s Ogden Theater (capacity 1800.) Tickets went on sale at $250.00 a pop. Now, I’ve paid some ridiculous amounts to see concerts, but nothing over 100 bucks really. But Prince? At the Ogden? He had me drooling like a fatty in a cupcake shop. I couldn’t fathom any reason why Prince shouldn’t get the equivalent of one weeks worth of my pay. I mean, that’s fair right? He gets rich(er) and I get stupid drunk and dance like a retard for 3 hours. Seems like an even trade to me…..

2. He’s Not A Slacker:

Most of us have a hard time keeping up with the grind of a weekly 9 to 5 job. Working 40 to 50 hours a week really has a way of fucking up your life, know what I’m saying? But while we bitch  and moan about our shitty cubicles and awful co-workers, Prince is keeping on the grind. Since 1978, Prince has released over 40 albums of material, amounting to over 100 million records sold worldwide. So the next time you get called in on your day off or have to put in a little bit of overtime, just remember that somewhere deep in the heart of Minnesota, Prince is making you look like a bitch.

3. He makes better sex than you ever will:

Prince has never been shy about extolling his virtuous sexual prowess. Now we all know that musicians often brag about being a badass at…..well whatever. But with Prince, you just kind of have to believe him. He can probably go down on a chick with his hands tied behind his back and blindfolded and still destroy it! I’ll bet that girl would be changed forever. And ladies, you’re not off the hook with this shit. Check out all those rad puffy shirts and skin tight latex suits that Prince always wears. He could probably give your boyfriend better head than you could ever pray to give, but still be completely straight while doing it. Sorry, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles here. Welcome to inadequacy.

4. He will completely melt your face off with his guitar solos:

Seems to me like a lot of people forget how fucking good of a guitar player Prince is. Instead of searching for the absolute best solo, just check out this solo he played on “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.” Two awesome things happen during this performance. First, he makes Tom Petty look like a fucking chump (which is a feat in and of itself) and secondly, at the end, he throws his guitar in the air…..and it never comes down!!! Only Prince could pull off that shit!

5. He stayed true to his roots:

Prince was born in 1958 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Over the years, he’s made more money than most of us can even fathom and found more fame than most. Most other musicians that have even a sliver of that success usually ship off to L.A. or NYC, but not Prince. He firmly said “fuck that” and built Paisley Park Studios in Chanhassen, a suburb of Minneapolis. Oddly enough, by living in Minnesota, it almost makes it easier to relate to Prince than most other musicians of his stature, which is strange cause Prince is a truly weird ass dude.

OK, that’s enough of that. I think it’s been pretty firmly established that Prince is better than 95% of the human race at well…..everything. Now that you feel like a complete loser, let us know if  you’re excited to see Prince on tour this Spring! Let us know in the comments section or on Facebook and Twitter.

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About the author:
Has 290 Articles

I am absolutely and unabashedly in love with music. If I could eat a huge bowl of songs for breakfast every morning, I totally would. I'm obsessive about categorization (don't mess with my chronological or alphabetical) and can't stand an unorganized iTunes library. Outside of music and writing, I love baseball (go Rockies), coffee, corgi's and going on fun trips with my girlfriend!

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